The post How to Build a Positive Relationship With Your Teen: Strategies for Parents and Caregivers appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Because these observances coincide in June, it’s important that we both acknowledge the intersections of the Black and LGBTQ+ communities and their unique contributions to our country and the world.

If you clicked on this post wondering “how can I be an ally?” the first step is changing your framing to “how do I practice allyship?” Allyship is not a static label, it’s a continuous practice based on sustained effort and learning. An ally is someone who aligns with and supports a given community or identity group. Since this post is focused specifically on alignment with LGBTQ+ and Black communities, I am writing to non-Black and non-queer folks who want to show up this month and beyond.

If you are not Black or queer and wondering what you can do this month to practice allyship, you can use the 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship as your guide.

Take responsibility for your own learning. There’s no better time to begin or deepen your learning about Pride, Juneteenth, or Black and LGBTQ+ history in general, but remember that it’s not on your Black and/or queer friends to educate you. Our public school system has worked overtime to keep true historical accounts and important Black and LGBTQ+ contributions out of textbooks, curricula, and the greater educational discourse, so don’t assume your Black and/or queer friends are walking encyclopedias on their history if you’re not. Maybe they do know, and maybe they’re willing to share that knowledge with you—that’s great! But it’s not fair to assume or request it. So turn to your favorite medium: podcasts, online research, books, etc. to get learning (and remember to check those sources).

While not everyone can be a history buff, honor that your friends are the experts of their own experiences of their identities, and commit to listening when they choose to share parts of those experiences with you. It is not Black and/or queer people’s responsibility to educate us, but it’s our responsibility to create safer spaces for them to show up and share as their authentic selves.

Engage in healthy conflict with those sharing intolerant messages or misinformation. As someone practicing allyship, this is an opportunity to use the privilege and platform you have to stand with Black and queer communities. You don’t need to be an expert to call somebody out for their harmful language or views, nor do you need to get into a public comment-off with someone in your feed (this may give them a platform to spew more hate in their responses to you). Leave a simple, yet firm comment that you do not agree with what they’ve shared and correct any misinformation (if you’re not sure how, find and link a relevant article), then take it to DMs or private messaging if you wish to engage further.

Respect that everybody observes Juneteenth and Pride differently. Black and queer people are not a monolith; there is no singular narrative or experience of what it means to be Black and/or queer and therefore no “correct” way to observe these holidays. If you’re wondering how your loved ones want you to show up for them this month, ask and respect their decision, whether it includes you or not. Practicing allyship means de-centering yourself. This is not “show your allyship” month, this is a month centered on Black and queer experiences and community. Understand that there are spaces where your presence is not welcome nor necessary.

Show kindness and compassion for the Black and queer folks in your life. Yes, this is a month to take pride and celebrate. It may also bring up complex emotions including grief, anger, and sadness as they reflect the conflicting realities of a country that observes holidays like Juneteenth and Pride but does not protect the rights and lives of the communities it claims to celebrate.

Do what you can to promote equality. A national holiday or awareness month does not mean the work is done. There are still so many inequalities that Black and queer communities must face every day. This month, make an ongoing commitment to move the needle however you can. Donate, fundraise, or volunteer your time with organizations that support Black and LGBTQ+ communities. Buy from Black and queer-owned business throughout the year. Consume media created by Black and queer artists. Commit to ongoing learning and encourage other non-Black and non-queer people in your life to join you.

Though this post is anchored in June, allyship is a lifelong practice. Find sustainable ways to show up, support, and celebrate the Black and queer people in your life throughout all the days and months of the year.

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out. Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post How to Practice Allyship Using the 10 Signs appeared first on One Love Foundation.

I was in love before Orientation Week even wrapped.

I thought him wanting to be with only me was love (now I know it’s Isolation). I assumed him wanting to know who I was with, where I was going and what I was doing every second of every day was love (now I recognize it’s Possessiveness). I figured his over-the-top reactions to situations most people wouldn’t bat an eye at were because it was normal for people to act extreme when they are so in love (now I get that it’s Volatility), and on and on.

None of my friends or family had the knowledge or skills to see what I was going through, nor did I have the courage to tell them – this was what TV and all the magazines had told me was love, right? I felt shame that I had let it get to this point – my family and friends were all these incredibly smart, strong women and I felt I would be a letdown to them all if they were to find out. Besides, I believed that even if I had told them what was going on, they didn’t have the tools to help me.

That relationship had life-long implications – I found myself pregnant at just 18. I was so anxious at how my partner would react to every little thing that I couldn’t sleep, then I couldn’t focus in class, then I couldn’t get out of bed to attend class. In a matter of months, my grades plummeted and I flunked out of my freshman year. Eventually, things escalated to where the University Police had intervened, and I was finally able to feel free from living my life according to my ex’s demands; but, unfortunately, the life I had hoped for myself didn’t feel possible anymore.

Regardless of whether the unhealthy behaviors are physical, emotional, verbal or all of the above, we know those who have been on the receiving end of unhealthy behaviors can feel shame about what happened to them and around not being able to stop it from happening in the first place.  Being in an unhealthy relationship can slowly chip away your self-worth and self-confidence. It can make you feel incredibly alone – it did for me.  Throughout my situation, I was too ashamed to reach out to anyone in my circle about it.  I felt that there was no way my friends would have let this happen to them; that there was no way my family members, fellow students, or teammates would become a victim of unhealthy or abusive behavior. But, we know it can happen to absolutely anyone – nearly 1 in 5 college students in the U.S. report being physically or sexually hurt by a dating partner while in school.

RELATED ARTICLE: Lethal Behaviors to Look Out for in an Abusive Relationship

That’s why I decided to outsource some of this article. I want you to know you’re not alone in having skewed expectations of relationships thanks to pop culture and antiquated ideals, and that those skewed expectations can make it incredibly easy to experience an unhealthy or abusive relationship. The responses below come from a variety of individuals – male,  female , non-binary, straight, members of the LGBTQ+ community, people with vastly different careers, nationalities, upbringings and ages. What they have in common is that they were not taught anything regarding relationship health education before they entered their late teens and early 20’s.

Hopefully, from reading all of this, you can learn from our misconceptions, recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship, and surround yourself with positive, uplifting relationships.

“What do you know about relationships now that you wish you had known when you were younger?”:

• “A relationship should be a positive ADDITION to your life, not consume you to the point where you don’t have your own identity anymore.” See: Intensity

• “You’re going to grow out of some relationships and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that anyone gave up or didn’t try hard enough.” See: Independence

• “It’s not sunshine and rainbows all the time. Relationships have seasons – some are harder than others, but everything can be overcome with honest, open communication and mutual respect of the other person.” See: Respect and Honesty

• “You are not responsible for ‘fixing’ another person, ESPECIALLY when they make you feel like you are.” See: Guilting and Manipulation

• “If they refuse to ever spend time with your friends or family, get outta there!” See: Isolation

• “If someone tells you that you’ll never find someone else to love you, I promise you will and it’s not the person saying that.” See: Belittling

• “I wish I had known that it was supposed to be more carefree at that age! I was so serious and constantly looking for ‘The One’ that I really missed out on meeting a lot of new people, traveling and new experiences. I was the one doing the unhealthy things!” See: Fun

• “You are never, and I cannot emphasize this enough, ever responsible for someone else’s reaction or response to a situation.” See: Deflecting Responsibility

RELATED ARTICLE: How to Spot the Signs of Abusive Texts

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If you read any of these statements and recognize these behaviors in your own relationship, reach out to a friend or a trusted adult to talk through what you’re feeling and what a safe next step would be to ensure these unhealthy behaviors do not escalate to abuse.

At 19, I felt that my unhealthy relationship defined me. If you had told me that experience would be just a blip on the radar of my life, I would not have been able to believe you.  My anxiety from that experience ruled my life, but I promise there is hope after experiencing abuse. You are not your relationship and you are not weak. The strength it takes to pick yourself up from that experience is what defines you, and I guarantee you have more people than you can imagine who are rooting for you, as I realized when I was finally able to share my story, one person at a time.

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Chelsea Leonard is One Love’s Director of Development for the California Region.  Her “why One Love” – Relationship education is the information everyone needs but few have – it’s a no-brainer for me to be involved in expanding these resources to as many people as possible. 

Chelsea’s favorite Healthy Sign is “Healthy Conflict.”

The post Hope After Abuse: What I Wish I Knew About Relationships In College appeared first on One Love Foundation.

“Was there alcohol involved?” 

“Why haven’t you left yet?” 

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These questions are commonly referred to as victim blaming – when a friend, colleague, or acquaintance says things to imply that you might have done something to deserve the abuse. These perspectives and mindsets are harmful on a personal level – they can be extremely disorienting and isolating for survivors, complicate the healing process, and lessen the likelihood for the survivor to seek support – as well as on a societal level. We see the effects of victim blaming mentality in the failure of our criminal justice system to treat violence and abuse as crimes deserving of serious consequences, subsequently absolving perpetrators of accountability. 

Below are some actionable ways to stop victim blaming, whether that means adjusting our own mindsets, holding abusers accountable for their behavior, or supporting survivors by publicly challenging victim blaming perspectives. 

Believe & Acknowledge  

Sharing stories of abuse is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Realize that when someone is choosing to disclose this information to you, it is an act of trust. Treat their stories with respect and believe them. It is okay if you do not know how to advise them in the moment. A listening ear and validation of their experience is crucial. 

Remind the Survivor it is Not Their Fault 

When recounting these experiences, it is normal for some survivors to blame themselves because of our society’s victim-blaming norms. Continue to listen, but be sure to reassure them that it is not their fault. 

Avoid Accusatory Questions 

Instead of asking questions about the details that surrounded the abuse, offer compassion and understanding without proving your interpretation of the event. For example, imagine that your friend is telling you about an instance where their partner sabotaged them by breaking their cellphone during an argument. Instead of asking them to recall the events leading up to the abuse, tell them that you are sorry they had to experience this, and reassure them that they do not deserve to be treated this way regardless of what the argument was about. 

Use Teachable Moments 

If you are with a group of people who are attempting to place responsibility onto the survivor, use this opportunity to teach them about the importance of holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions. These people very well might not be aware that the way they are responding is a form of victim blaming. If you are unsure where to start, here is a list of Relationship Abuse FAQ’s, Myths, and Facts. 

Understand that the Perpetrator is Fully Responsible 

Just as the perpetrator is the only person who can choose to be abusive, they are also the only person who could have stopped it. If you find yourself considering other avenues that the survivor could have taken to prevent the abuse, remind yourself that the only thing that would have changed the outcome is the perpetrator’s decision to commit it. 

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It is imperative to challenge the tradition of victim blaming in order to cultivate a safer and more just society. While we may not be able to reinvent the wheel overnight, we can inch towards collective healing in our daily lives by responding to these stories in a way that is supportive and empowers survivors to continue speaking out loud about their experiences. 

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Bridget Boylan is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s New York Tri-State Region.

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